By God's grace

I had a dream again last night. I was in this floating structure that’s being used for holding a church congregation, a library and maybe a childcare. It’s spilt into two buildings which can only be accessed by taking a boat across. 

I remember I started the dream in my house. I made accidental calls to many people, including Sean. I remember someone who admired me telling me there were many people who were green and blue, but I was the only person whom he saw white. That I was glowing in white, in the seas of blue and green. I saw an image of myself dressed in white. 

I then arrived on the floating structure with my children. I remember crossing the two buildings to look for something, which by then Sean has turned up (thanks to the accidental call) and took the children for company. While in the second building, I saw a library and children having lessons which I was curious to explore. There was something fascinating about what was going on in that building. 

Remembering my children, I proceeded to hurry back to first building where I left my kids. I didn't want Sean to bring them away. It was the building holding a church congregation. I remember I got onto a boat but realised it was not the right one--the last transport to the first building has already left. I managed to jump out of the moving boat I was on, and found myself on a kayak with no paddles. I wanted to use my hands to paddle when I discovered the entire sea was peppered and infested with jelly fish--the beautiful unthreatening ones to the poisonous ones with stings. They were all floating in massive numbers at the water surface. Despite the challenges, I somehow managed to return back to building one on a kayak. 

By then I had lost sight of my children and was told they were in another location/building. Feeling despondent, I sat down at the back of the building to join the church service. There I requested for a prayer from a couple regarding my martial situation. Instead of being met with grace and understanding, I was dismissed by the man for being unforgiving/agonising too much for what has happened. Burning with anger, I faced him bravely. I met him in his face, stared straight at him and instructed him to repeated after me, "This is how you pray for me..." 

I can’t remember the words exactly but it’s along the lines of mercy and grace. My response was met with surprise and defensiveness, not just from the man alone but the woman too. They wanted to find trouble with me when I got up and left. I continued searching for my children… 

6 June 2026

Vivid dreams

"Wow. I just had this really vivid dream. Of a woman I knew living up on the really elevated place and the only way she could get out of that place to see her daughter again was to drive a car off the cliffs, follow a railway track to find a landing spot and crash land the car. 

She asked me along and I did. I remember the car taking off the cliffs. The euphoria and anxiety of suspending in the air, gliding above a curvy railway track before the car crashed and we got thrown out of it. 

We landed on to this tall brown waterfall like structure where she leaped off the structure and landed safely into the water underneath. She was shouting for me to trust the fall in but I was fearful of falling wrongly from the height. I could see the water below has shallow spots. 

In the end I was attempting to climb down, it was slippery, I was successful for awhile but later on I realise the only way to get down was to jump in. So I did. Then I woke up.

The waterfall was incredibly high."

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"What was your dream trying to tell you?"


20 May 2026

Choice

“And sometimes the hardest part of growth is realising that 
the life you once chose is not necessarily the life you would choose again.”

- ChatGPT


So profound. 

Aren’t we glad we get to live in the times of AI? 
We get to explore deeper parts about our selves that we haven’t discovered.

It is true compassion and conviction is making me circle. 
But if I search deeper, I know I have already landed—closer to whom I desire to be. 


I already know. Just need to trust it.

halo

I've been riding the clouds recently...

It's been blowing my mind. I never knew I would feel this way again. There's this big rumbling of energy pulsing through my veins, rushing into my heart. I wish I can describe it more. How insane this feels! I want to write everything down but there are priorities I should be focussing on now. I'd better get to it... 

But I will end this post with this song, this is very close. Till next time, I'll write again.



stop the cycle

Dear Me,


You are 41.

Who have you become?

What have you gained or left behind?

What have you learnt or unlearnt?

Where are you now?


A lot hasn't been said or written in many years

Perhaps the demands of motherhood

took away the self you ever knew

Days you've spent toiling

worrying

carrying

everybody else's weight

except your own


I know you fought

Damn hard you did

This body you now carry

tells a tale of determination


Those fitness classes you teach

Dance classes you kept

Pilates courses you took

You fought to keep a part

all to yourself

I'm damn proud you did


Atlas,

for all that you have given

much more may be taken

when a marriage finally ends--

the stakes are higher now


Did you cry?

Did you crumble?

Did you despair?

Did your self break into million pieces?

Yes, it did


But, you don’t surrender.


You are still here

still breathing

still choosing

still alive

You are 41


This voice

This self

You can get it back

Now go.

Go get her back.


Love, me.

I’m 38

It’s nearly 2am. Restless is the mind as the children sleep heartily at my left and right. I’ve been keeping busy of late and even busier after. A little afraid looking at my calendar getting packed to the brim. Why am I so restless? Why do I need to do so much? Something’s missing? Something does.

Sometimes

I feel emotionally disconnected and unavailable. I really don’t feel like connecting at all.